Growing up, my mom made executive functions and house work seem pretty easy and natural. There wasn't clutter, the laundry didn't get left in the washer (that I remember), and she didn't forget my doctor's appointments. I can tell you that I struggle with those basic things, and it's so frustrating! I'm thirty years old, and a mother, shouldn't it come naturally by now? Shouldn't it just be second nature?
I can tell you that it's not, which is why I had to make myself my own chore chart. I had to sit down and design a plan that details what chores need to be done that day so that by week's end, I'm not spending all of Saturday and Sunday cleaning up what didn't get done throughout the week.
Before I made the chart, housework would be this jumble of chores left halfway done. I'm sure you've seen the post about "if you give a mom a muffin" where each thing she does reminds her of something else that needs doing, and by the end of the day nothing is really done. Well that is pretty much what it is like for a mom with ADHD.
Let me illustrate it for you what it was like before I set up my chart.
I get up in the morning, and try to remind myself to have breakfast. I have to eat for my ADHD medication to work because it's released through digestion. I have to look at my hand written calendar to remind myself what I have ahead of me that day because, if I don't, I'll lose track of time and end up in a rush. Tuesdays are the WORST for this because we have to leave the house at 3pm. By the time three comes close, school work and house work usually aren't done, and I have to scramble to find Kathryne's dance clothes and Ayden's scout uniform because I forgot to set them out.
I get up in the morning, and try to remind myself to have breakfast. I have to eat for my ADHD medication to work because it's released through digestion. I have to look at my hand written calendar to remind myself what I have ahead of me that day because, if I don't, I'll lose track of time and end up in a rush. Tuesdays are the WORST for this because we have to leave the house at 3pm. By the time three comes close, school work and house work usually aren't done, and I have to scramble to find Kathryne's dance clothes and Ayden's scout uniform because I forgot to set them out.
Assuming it's not Tuesday, I'll start on housework. For instance, I may start off on the daily maintenance of sorting out our shoe box, and making sure all shoes make it to their proper rooms. Halfway through that, I think of something I need to check online. I finish that, then remember I need to get the kids ready for Tae Kwon Do. We get there, come back, eat lunch, and by that time it's already one! I try to pick up where I left off with house work, then remember I need to thaw out the beef for dinner, but before I can do that I get a phone call or realize the cats need food, or something else, and I'm distracted once more. The beef doesn't get thawed, the shoe box is still half full, and now there is an accumulation of stuff in the living room from myself and the kids.
I pick up the living room. Because we left our clean clothes on the couch or the chair in our room, they are wrinkled and covered in cat hair, so we have to clean them again. I put the clothes in a hamper, which is full, so I go to start a load of laundry only to open the washer and realize I left a load of clothing in there. I send it for another round, and by the time it's done, I've forgotten that I need to wash the other clothing, and I've started lessons. Halfway through lessons, I may or may not remember the beef, but I do recall that I need to pay a bill. So I set the kids to an assignment, go to pay the bill, only to realize I forgot to pay another separate bill, and now it's late, so I pay it as well. By the time that's done, I forgot that I set the kids to an assignment and return to the classroom and call them back to lessons.
Of course this is assuming I don't realize last minute that the kids or I have some sort of doctor or dentist appointment thanks to a text message on my phone.
By the time we finish lessons, it's time to get ready for afternoon activities, if there are any, and for me to get ready to go into work at five. Because I forgot to thaw the beef, I now have to scramble to fix something for dinner, or just buy from the Winn Dixie Deli again. Not that it would matter if the beef was thawed, because I forgot that I needed to make dinner early since it is a work night.
I get home from work to a still messy house, dirty dishes in the sink, a laundry load still in the washer, and a to do list for the next day that now has to include what I didn't finish today.
That's the truth of it. Clean clothes get piled up or left in the washer. Dirty dishes sometimes get left in the sink. My notebooks that I use for writing usually end up all over the house. Books I'm reading get left where I stopped reading them. There are toys on the floor (although that's improved due to my new rule about playing with toys in the play area), and jackets on the couch. Appointments not written down in two or more places often are forgotten. And that pile of paperwork that I need to sort through is still in the same place on my desk that it's been occupying for a few months now.
I forget to mend broken toys, only to find them weeks or months after saying I'll fix them. I start projects and often don't complete them, at least not in a short span of time. I only pick them up when I come across the materials for said projects. If they are out of sight, they are out of mind.
Like I said, frustrating. Oh I still have days and weeks like this, even now that I have my assigned days for chores and multiple calendars. Even on my meds, I have a tendency to fall into hyper focus on one particular chore or project, and I end up neglecting all the other ones.
No one wants to talk about it. No mother wants to bring up the fact that she struggles to remember to wash clothes, or get her kid to the doctor. That's because there are people who will point fingers and tell us we are bad moms. We're supposed to just do these things, no questions asked, and if we can't, we are failing our children. I often find myself saying "I'm 30, why is this still so hard for me to do? Why is my room a mess? Why did I forget to wash my work clothes again??"
I've had to learn to ease up on myself. My house is clean, but it's going to be cluttered at times, and that's okay. If my clean laundry sits on the chair, I'm not going to fret over it. Yeah, there's some dirty dishes in the sink, but they'll get done tonight. We tracked in a few leaves over the last few days so I need to vacuum, but my kitchen is mopped. It's mopped once a week. That stack of papers is now sitting on the bar, not my desk, and I'm okay with that. I'm never going to have a picture perfect house. It's clean, but it will never be perfect.
These days I have bills that come to my email, and directly to my phone. I request text messages for appointments at least three or four days in advance, and write down the appointment on two separate calendars before adding them to the one in my phone. And I love my little personal chore chart, which helps me keep on track with what I need to get done during the day.
I've come to realize that I'm okay with being an absent minded mother. I've learned how to work with it, and appreciate it as a quirk, not a disability.
I'm okay, and that's what matters.
I pick up the living room. Because we left our clean clothes on the couch or the chair in our room, they are wrinkled and covered in cat hair, so we have to clean them again. I put the clothes in a hamper, which is full, so I go to start a load of laundry only to open the washer and realize I left a load of clothing in there. I send it for another round, and by the time it's done, I've forgotten that I need to wash the other clothing, and I've started lessons. Halfway through lessons, I may or may not remember the beef, but I do recall that I need to pay a bill. So I set the kids to an assignment, go to pay the bill, only to realize I forgot to pay another separate bill, and now it's late, so I pay it as well. By the time that's done, I forgot that I set the kids to an assignment and return to the classroom and call them back to lessons.
Of course this is assuming I don't realize last minute that the kids or I have some sort of doctor or dentist appointment thanks to a text message on my phone.
By the time we finish lessons, it's time to get ready for afternoon activities, if there are any, and for me to get ready to go into work at five. Because I forgot to thaw the beef, I now have to scramble to fix something for dinner, or just buy from the Winn Dixie Deli again. Not that it would matter if the beef was thawed, because I forgot that I needed to make dinner early since it is a work night.
I get home from work to a still messy house, dirty dishes in the sink, a laundry load still in the washer, and a to do list for the next day that now has to include what I didn't finish today.
That's the truth of it. Clean clothes get piled up or left in the washer. Dirty dishes sometimes get left in the sink. My notebooks that I use for writing usually end up all over the house. Books I'm reading get left where I stopped reading them. There are toys on the floor (although that's improved due to my new rule about playing with toys in the play area), and jackets on the couch. Appointments not written down in two or more places often are forgotten. And that pile of paperwork that I need to sort through is still in the same place on my desk that it's been occupying for a few months now.
I forget to mend broken toys, only to find them weeks or months after saying I'll fix them. I start projects and often don't complete them, at least not in a short span of time. I only pick them up when I come across the materials for said projects. If they are out of sight, they are out of mind.
Like I said, frustrating. Oh I still have days and weeks like this, even now that I have my assigned days for chores and multiple calendars. Even on my meds, I have a tendency to fall into hyper focus on one particular chore or project, and I end up neglecting all the other ones.
No one wants to talk about it. No mother wants to bring up the fact that she struggles to remember to wash clothes, or get her kid to the doctor. That's because there are people who will point fingers and tell us we are bad moms. We're supposed to just do these things, no questions asked, and if we can't, we are failing our children. I often find myself saying "I'm 30, why is this still so hard for me to do? Why is my room a mess? Why did I forget to wash my work clothes again??"
I've had to learn to ease up on myself. My house is clean, but it's going to be cluttered at times, and that's okay. If my clean laundry sits on the chair, I'm not going to fret over it. Yeah, there's some dirty dishes in the sink, but they'll get done tonight. We tracked in a few leaves over the last few days so I need to vacuum, but my kitchen is mopped. It's mopped once a week. That stack of papers is now sitting on the bar, not my desk, and I'm okay with that. I'm never going to have a picture perfect house. It's clean, but it will never be perfect.
These days I have bills that come to my email, and directly to my phone. I request text messages for appointments at least three or four days in advance, and write down the appointment on two separate calendars before adding them to the one in my phone. And I love my little personal chore chart, which helps me keep on track with what I need to get done during the day.
I've come to realize that I'm okay with being an absent minded mother. I've learned how to work with it, and appreciate it as a quirk, not a disability.
I'm okay, and that's what matters.
